Intellidick.com - Pure Insanity

Welcome to Stupid Aquarium Tricks! This will be an ongoing series as I make my way from a true aquarium novice to someone who can keep a fish alive longer than 90 days. (This could take a while)

These posts will contain tricks on how to do the “silly” things in your aquarium. You know, all of those little things they don’t tell you when you spend over a grand for a tank, some sand, and some rocks. *sigh* Then you get to feel like a jackass when you walk back into the store and ask and they all laugh at you. I’m sure they’ve all made the same damned mistakes too, but it’s some sort of a right of passage or some other sick cult deal.

Without further ado… here we go!

Q) I’m starting a new tank… what order should I put things into the tank?
A) Backgrounds (if you’re using one) first, Substrate (Sand, Gravel, Crushed Coral, etc) next, Rocks / Scenery, then the Water.

Q) How do I pour water on the sand w/o the sand going everywhere?!?!?
A) Use some clean plastic to stop the impact of the water from hitting the sand directly and POUR SLOWLY initially, don’t get all crazy and pour like a madman unless you want a sand cloud in there! You’ll probably get the cloud anyway, but oh well, I think everyone does. The plastic helps though.

Q) Speaking of backgrounds… how do I get that background on the tank? This tape SUCKS, looks like crap, and the background keeps wanting to bow up.
A) If you’ve already set up the tank, this is going to be harder, but you can still do it. (I did this the hard way too) Either way, lay the background on the side of the tank where it will be mounted. (note : they go on the OUTSIDE of the tank) Cut the background down to size… leave an inch or so on the sides, you can trim it easily with a razor once it’s attached. Now… get out your plastic scraper and some cooking oil! Yeah, that’s right… cooking oil. Pour a few SMALL areas on the surface that will be touching the tank, set the background on the tank and line it up, then use the scraper to push the air bubbles out and spread the oil. It’ll stick like glue and you can peel it off later with no harm done to the background or the tank. Messy at first, but neat. Once it’s firmly attached, use a razor to trim the edges so everything is nice and neat… then wipe all the damned cooking oil off of everything in that room!

Q) Okay, I put in everything, but I think I need more substrate… now i’m sitting here with a bag of sand and no idea how to get it into the tank without dumping it all over my beautiful live rock display!
A) Use a measuring cup or something to help get the sand into the tank SLOWLY. Do it a little at a time, it IS going to cloud up… not much you can do about it. If you can, kill the pumps for a bit so the sand settles faster and doesn’t get all in your sump. Trust me here folks… it sucks ass to clean all of your filtration systems b/c they’re coated with sand. And next time, when you set up a new aquarium, don’t make the same mistake I did… get enough sand… if it’s not enough, go back to the store and get more… don’t pour the water in there until the sand is right… you’ll be pissed later when you’re brushing sand off of EVERYTHING in your tank because it got in the stream of your pump.

Q) I set up the tank first, then realized that I needed/wanted more sand, and now there’s sand everywhere in the tank. Any hints here? It’s covering my beautiful plastic model of Poseidon!
A) Step one, ditch the model! Seriously though, you have a few options. Numero Uno on the “easy to do” scale is grab a big ass turkey baster and go to town. Just blast the water right off of there and rock! (Use the tank water, not faucet water) If you have a powerhead in there that’s easy to unmount like a Hydor Koralia, then just pop the magnet off and use the powerhead… I don’t recommend this though b/c you have the cord and such to deal with… and it’s probably not a good idea in general. Not to mention that if you accidentally fire it at one of your fish, you’ll probably blow him across the tank with the close range current blast. Although it’s funny as hell to watch, it’s just not nice. Go with the turkey baster for the easy win.

Q) Great, now i’ve got all of this sand and it’s really starting to look nasty! How do I clean sand?
A) Don’t clean the sand! Get something to clean it for you! Nassarius Snails clean sand for you, and they’re a hoot to watch around feeding time. There are also Sea Cucumbers and lots of different fish that clean sand. Got to your local fish store, they’ll help you. If you’re buying your crap from a big chain with a bunch of high school kids running it… stop buying it there and go to a respectable fish store. Describe to them what you have in your tank. Better yet, take some pictures so they can see exactly what’s going on in there! They’ll get you some snails, crabs, etc to get rid of it! Most fish stores will know about how many cleaners you need for different size tanks and different amounts of live rock, etc… You’re likely to lose a few crabs in the process, maybe a snail or two. It’s okay… it’ll balance itself out.

Q) My fish are ugly? What can I do to make them look better?
A) Get a better lighting system so you can see them better. Good lights bring out the colors in your aquarium. If you get good lighting and your fish are still ugly… STOP BUYING UGLY FISH!

Q) I got a better lighting system… now there is algae all over my tank!
A) Cool eh? Seriously, more clean up crew. Don’t get crazy, just add a few more to keep up with the increased load. Again, talk to the people at your local fish store.

Q) Does this quest ever end? When do I stop buying stuff and just get to look at my fish?
A) I don’t know… maybe I can answer that by the time i’m writing Stupid Aquarium Tricks - Part 20.

That does it for SAT 1. Tune in next time as I attempt to re-arrange my live rock for the 87 millionth time this month! (My poor fish must HATE me by now)